Canvassing 101, with a twist

Here at the Bus Project, we do NOT fuck around with solicitation. Any seasoned canvasser knows that this subject is fraught with peril.

I can picture it now: you're volunteering a weekend afternoon for a great progressive legislative candidate,and it's 100 degrees out. Your pits are soaked and your throat is parched. You waddle up a strange path and knock timidly on the strange door. Somebody opens, but remains hidden in the shadows. They take one look at you and your clipboard, and they let loose...

"Can't you read? NO. SOLICITING."

Crap! You hadn't seen the little sign on their door. Or, you chose to ignore it. Either way, this is a terribly vexing situation. The next few moments are crucial -- what do you do? Cower in fear? Run away? Attempt to explain that you're not a door-to-door salesman?

WRONG, DUMMY!

Because you are so dumb, I am going to write you a list. These are all tried-and-true responses to this difficult situation at the door.

The first option:

• "I'm not selling anything -- just democracy! Tee hee!"

If you can be cute and get away with it, then by all means, go with this one. If you are a large man with thick glasses, on the other hand, I would only recommend this approach if you are wearing diapers.

Second option: you can take a little trip down Irony Lane.

• "I'm not selling anything! Just this very fine vacuum cleaner."

I recommend carrying a vacuum cleaner with you on the off chance that the person at the door wants to inspect the device. But if you've perfected the vacuum cleaner bit and want more of a challenge, then I have a suggestion for you. The third option, and this is for advanced canvassers only:

• "I'm not soliciting! The mere accusation offends me. All I am doing is offering up my body in exchange for a set amount of the currency that is commonly accepted within these borders."

What a gem, if you can pull it off. Option number four:

• "I'm not soliciting. I just wanted to have a real conversation with you. I am genuinely interested in finding out what things about Oregon you truly hold dear!"

Please. Don't even think this codswallop will fly at the doorstep. They will Tonya Harding your ass faster than you can say "Carrot Top is a much better figure from the 1990s who has slid into laughable irrelevancy, Galen."